awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
