I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me