Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.