My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
