I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
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