My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
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Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
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So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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