Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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