now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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