Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Randomize
