i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
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I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
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Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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