The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Randomize
