david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
