I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
