Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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