he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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