you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Never underestimate the power of titties
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
