Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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