we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
