I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
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I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
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