but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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