i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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