I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
