dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
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