so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
