Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently the secret to your success is patron
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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