Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
