I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
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You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
These 23 People Had Crazy Sex With Complete Strangers
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.