I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
