u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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