I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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