How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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