my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
