My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
