i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
