we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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