Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
