we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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