you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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