I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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