it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
