last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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