Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
