Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
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Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...