so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
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I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
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He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.