I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Randomize
