If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
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