Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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