My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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