I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Randomize
