Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
