i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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