mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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