so that wasnt chicken after all
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Dating After Heartbreak
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen