He disabled his match.com account in front of me
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.