I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
