do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
