i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
