apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
