I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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