Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I cut my penus on the lid.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
